Are Boundaries Selfish? The Truth about Healthy Conflict
Boundaries are can be freeing for some, but intimidating for others.
As a therapist, I can tell you they are an important tool in relationships, especially when addressing a history of unhealthy conflict.
However, preconceptions about what boundaries are - especially in the eyes of those who would hate them - can stop you from trying to set them altogether.
In this article, I will describe what boundaries truly are, their function in healthy conflict, and debunk their stigmas so you can start protecting your wellbeing today.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are interpersonal rules that you choose to apply to your relationships.
This means that every time you interact with someone, there’s a shared understanding about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.
For example, a boundary might be that in the midst of an argument, name-calling is crossing the line.
While calling someone names is an obvious violation of a boundary, sometimes perception plays a role in what someone "thinks" is crossing a boundary or not.
What if someone claims that name-calling is just a part of "brutal honesty" - that setting a boundary on name-calling doesn't let them give you "feedback" or "advice"?
This is where manipulation and interpretation can give you push back when setting a healthy boundary during conflict - your reasoning for setting a boundary can be debated, debunked, and then the other person gets to treat you how they always have.
On the other hand, some people might disguise controlling behavior as boundaries - this is when someone changes the rules within a relationship that exasperate the other person.
You can tell the difference between a true boundary and disguised coercion by their effect.
A healthy boundary protects you from undue harm - disguised coercion hurts and controls others to protect yourself from accountability for your harmful actions.
Ironically, this difference highlights the true nature of healthy boundaries - they protect against other's harmful behavior, but they are set to advocate for your wellbeing.
Boundaries are inherent in everything we do - we don't often consider the boundaries others typically abide by on a daily basis, so setting a new one doesn't introduce anything drastically different.
However, to set a boundary, you might need to understand the role of healthy conflict in your relationships.
Is Conflict a Sign of Bad Relationships?
Conflict itself isn’t a problem - it’s how we handle it that matters.
There is healthy conflict and there is unhealthy conflict.
Healthy conflict involves differences that are resolved through respect, listening, and compromise - it still counts as conflict, but it's collaborative, not combative.
Unhealthy conflict is marked by disrespect, name-calling, controlling behaviors, and/or emotional harm.
It is when a team splits in opposing sides, seeking to win or dominate the other person and their argument.
Boundaries are often a set of rules that help you stay collaborative in situations where you might feel the temptation to become enemies.
By doing this, boundaries can help turn unhealthy conflict into healthy conflict.
A boundary might be something like, “No yelling during arguments” or “We need to take breaks when conversations get too heated.”
These aren’t too much to ask - they’re essential for working through a conflict without it damaging each other.
To be clear, it's a massive red flag when people resist boundaries that would make their conflict healthier.
If someone refuses to abide by your boundaries set to collaborate and keep yourself safe, then you can deliver the consequences.
Oftentimes, people will walk away or reduce contact with those who can't respect boundaries and have healthy conflict - and it's not the boundary-setters fault.
Constantly crossing boundaries just for the comfort of hurting someone like you usually do makes you an untrustworthy person during conflict.
If someone keeps getting hurt, they don't have to stay and take it.
Setting boundaries is for the purpose of keeping people in your life if they have a habit of hurting you - but you don't have to keep trying if they don't abide.
Setting boundaries isn’t about cutting people off - it's about creating the conditions necessary for connection to continue safely.
Boundaries are Not Selfish
Let’s be clear - boundaries are not selfish.
Selfishness implies a disregard for others’ well-being, often to their detriment.
Boundaries, in contrast, protect your emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical well-being.
They are not about hurting others - they're about not allowing others to hurt you.
If someone convinced you that protecting yourself from abuse is selfish, it's worth considering the selfishness and abusive behavior of whoever told you that lie.
Yes, boundaries focus on you, but they don't permit you to mistreat others or escape accountability when you do.
You are human - so you will mess up, make mistakes, and inevitably have conflict, but healthy conflict grows - it doesn't destroy.
Think of it like this - healthy exercise creates microtears in your muscles, but it doesn’t destroy them.
In the same way, healthy conflict can be challenging and help you grow, but it shouldn’t break your spirit or your boundaries.
Would you doubt yourself if someone chastised you for not tearing your muscles off the bone during your workout? Probably not.
For the same reason, someone chastising you for setting boundaries to sustain healthy conflict is just as ludicrous.
Those who fight boundaries often hate losing what control they used to have over you - too bad.
Boundaries typically reveal selfish behavior in others, especially if they refuse to respect the limits you’ve set to maintain a healthy relationship.
Boundaries are Not Individualistic
One common critique of boundaries is that they’re “too individualistic” - too focused on the self, and too willing to sever connections.
I understand the sentiment, but I must correct the inaccuracy.
Boundaries aren’t meant to isolate you - they’re meant to protect you in the presence of others.
You don’t set boundaries with people you’ve already cut off.
You set boundaries with people you want to stay connected to - to have them with you, but not hurt you.
If someone refuses to promote your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing in their presence, you can create distance.
Isolation is not a boundary - it's often a response to people who could not respect boundaries.
Distance is also not black or white - you can find a suitable place to be connected, but from whatever level of intimacy you feel safe at.
However, when someone refuses to respect your limits, isolation can start to feel like the only safe option.
In collective cultures, where family and community are prioritized, boundaries can still play a vital role - you can honor your family and culture while still protecting your wellbeing.
You are a part of your family and community, and you deserve to be treated with the same care and respect that you give others.
If you value family, you inherently value yourself as part of the family.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but not all conflict is the same.
Healthy conflict fosters growth while unhealthy conflict facilitates harm.
Boundaries are tools that allow us to manage conflict with respect, empathy, and self-awareness.
Boundaries are not selfish.
They’re not about avoiding others or running from every challenge - they are not too individualistic either.
Instead, they are self-preserving rules that help us stay connected in relationships that matter - relationships that may need structure and clarity to remain safe and supportive.
You don’t set boundaries with people you never plan to see again - you set them with people you love, work with, live with, and want to stay close to.
If someone consistently refuses to respect your boundaries, then your choice to step back is not about isolation - it’s about your wellbeing.
I've worked with plenty of people who don't like distancing themselves from others - but those other people proved themselves untrustworthy when abiding by boundaries.
Boundaries protect your right to be treated with dignity.
They allow you to grow, connect, and thrive - even in the midst of conflict, and that’s not selfish.
