Art of the Apology
Apologizing is rarely fun, but it's always important.
It's the glue between inherently flawed people, people who will inevitably mess things up sometimes. You will, or have, hurt someone's feelings, either intentionally or accidentally. These unavoidable conflicts are tough, but if you want a relationship after they happen, an apology is required.
A sincere apology is the sign of someone who cares about how they can affect those who trust them. Most of the time, people will only ask you to be accountable—not perfect. Making a mistake and apologizing for it can build more trust than never making a mistake at all.
In this article, I will teach you the art of the apology. It begins with understanding what an apology is.
What is an Apology?
An apology is what we sometimes call a “repair attempt.”
The person responsible for causing offense takes accountability for their actions. Verbally acknowledging your transgressions is key to a sincere apology. Context is important too, because circumstances can affect everyone involved. However, understanding and accountability are meant to be held at the same time, not exchanged for one another.
For example, let's imagine you need to apologize for screaming at a colleague. You might have been understandably upset by the pressures placed on you by your boss and your family at home, but the colleague you hurt is innocent. You would need to understand the source of your emotions, but still apologize and take accountability for your mismanagement of your feelings.
Pre-Apology Preparation
Before you apologize and hold yourself accountable, it’s important to “gather your materials” first.
This means taking a mental note of your transgressions and their potential impact on the other person. It’s nearly impossible to apologize if you don’t acknowledge the full extent of what occurred. Understanding the situation from each angle will build empathy and provide you with talking points when apologizing. Once you’ve gathered all the content necessary for your apology, you'll need to navigate the actual meeting.
Speakers should consider their “audience” when framing their message.
Framing is the timing, content, and tone that we use when we speak about the event to the person we hurt. First and foremost, you want to frame your conversation to be clear that you are the transgressor, not the victim. This interaction is not supposed to be even—if you feel an urge for even outcomes, although you're a transgressor, that's a concern worth addressing beforehand, possibly with a mental health professional.
An apology conversation is healthily unfair. You want the recipient of your transgressions to have control and feel comfortable. It needs to be on their timetable and you must allow them to speak about what they want, when they want to, for however long they want to.
An effective apology needs to be continuously focused on who was hurt.
Phrasing is Everything
Almost everyone has heard a poor apology before.
They are characterized by denial, manipulation, or flurries of combative “sorry’s.” The first rule of apology phrasing is respectfully asking for an apology, not forcefully offering a sorry. “Sorry” is for the sidewalks when squeezing past strangers or bumping shoulders. An apology is something to be asked for, understanding it then can only be granted by those you hurt. It is not a self-determined sorry apathetically dropped at the feet of those you've wronged.
An apology is a request for forgiveness, and there are steps to repairing your relationships this way.
6 Steps to Crafting a Sincere Apology
1 - Express your desire to apologize
When you’ve found the appropriate time to apologize, you begin with your intentions. If the hurt person does not want to listen, they don’t have to—they're the victim of your hurtful actions.
Example: “Hey there, if you’re available right now I’d like to apologize for earlier.”
2 - Take full accountability
Lay out what you specifically said or did that was hurtful. Don't minimize the potency of what you did—accurately describe its severity. Many people discount the hurt they caused, thereby invalidating who they hurt. Even if you are ashamed or insecure, the other person still stands hurt by your decision, irresponsible for your failed self-control.
Example: “I raised my voice, yelled, and screamed at you, and called you a ******* several times.”
3 -Express empathy by stating ways it probably made that person feel
This shows you have considered the mental and emotional impact of your choice. It also shows that you believe their thoughts and emotions are important. When you express any consideration for how they must feel, it highlights why you are choosing to apologize—because you care about how you can affect them.
Example: “calling you a ****** must have made you feel upset, insulted, betrayed, and belittled.”
4 - Provide context from your end
This helps the hurt individual get a better idea of why you hurt them. Truth is, we often hurt by mistake through misinterpretations or insecurities. However, this doesn't free you from accountability, but it allows you to paint a whole picture.
Example: “I was very angry because I thought you said I was incompetent, but I was wrong.”
5 -Express remorse for your actions
Expressing remorse means stating how terrible you feel because you hurt their feelings. Do not embellish your feelings to draw attention towards your experience or elicit empathy from the other person. Express remorse, but connect it directly with the impact of what you did.
Example: “I feel terrible and so guilty for making you feel belittled because I wrongly called you a *******”
6 - Ask for forgiveness
Remember “sorry” is something for sidewalks, forgiveness is something requested. It should not be demanded. An effective apology places the power in the hands of the hurt. At the end of your apology, you may also receive feedback from the other person. I encourage you to listen and be brave enough to hear how upset someone is because of your actions.
Example: “Can you please forgive me?”
All Together Now
“Hey there, if you’re available right now I’d like to apologize for earlier. I raised my voice at you and called you a ****** several times. Calling you a ****** must have made you feel upset, insulted, betrayed, and belittled. I was angry because I thought you said I was incompetent, but I was wrong. I feel terrible for making you feel so little because I wrongly called you a ******. Can you please forgive me?”
Asking for forgiveness is not easy, but it's worse to be hurt by those you trusted.
Taking accountability makes you a safe person to others. If you follow these steps to craft a genuine apology, you will repair relationships in a healthy way. We're all inescapabilty flawed, but how we handle our mistakes is still our choice—we can always choose a place of humility and accountability.