Why is Failure So Intimidating?
Why do we fear failure? It's inherently part of being human.
Everything you ever learned came with failure.
On your way to adulthood, you've misspoken, tripped, and even pooped in your diaper.
Failure is natural, so when does it become intimidating? When do learning opportunities transform into potential catastrophe?
Failure is a broad concept, but its presence can be felt in any minor task you take on.
Fearing failure can easily damage your quality of life as it slowly infects your challenges and leisure alike.
In this article, I will describe what what failure is, how it becomes intimidating, and initial steps to overcome your fear.
What is Failure?
Failure is both a word and an idea. It is a "lack of success" or "omission of required action".
Essentially, failure is like darkness. It's the absence of light or success rather than its own entity.
Because failure is an idea, it is malleable and can mean something different to everyone.
For many, losing their job is a failure. For others, not winning the Nobel Peace Prize is a failure.
Some people might believe that not owning a home is failure, while others idea of success is renting an apartment - who's really failing?
Neither and both - it all depends on what rules or structures someone uses to evaluate their performance.
Structures For Failure
One common structure is education - it provides challenges in the form of tests, quizzes, papers, and presentations, which you must succeed in to make it to the next grade.
Are you grades the judgments of a higher being, handed down from the heavens to dictate your intelligence and future? Not at all, although it may feel like it.
Your grade is handed to you by a teacher, in a school, in a school system, in an area, country, and time. Change any one of those factors, and it possibly changes your grade.
So if failure is so heavily impacted by circumstances, how much does it mean about you?
Avoiding the Meaning of Failure
There are situations where we can't escape performance, but you can limit it as much as possible.
You can't fail at college if you don't apply - you can fail as a parent if you don't have children.
You might avoid any additional responsibilities if you want to avoid the devastating meaning of failure.
The meaning clashes with reality, because what does a failed test in grade school actually mean?
It means you didn't pass the required score and will need to retake the test at a later date - that's all.
If you fear failure, you don't fear the label as much as the consequences for failing.
Why Do We Fear Failure?
If we fear failure, we don't actually fear the term itself.
I failed as a basketball player by not making the cut in 8th grade tryouts, but that doesn't mean anything to me.
Failure is the lid on a box filled with awful things - it is the gateway to a road you don't want to go down.
If you fail to show up to work, the word "absent" doesn't bother you - the chance of getting fired does.
Getting fired means no income, which could jeopardize your living situation and basic needs.
Failure means absolutely nothing without consequences.
If you fear failure, you don't fear the word - you fear what it leads to.
The Cost of Failure
Penalties are the consequences for breaking a rule.
In hockey, if you receive a penalty you get put in the penalty box while your team plays at a disadvantage.
If you are caught speeding on the high way, you have to pay a ticket.
However, a fear of failure usually implies more threatening penalties.
If you don't show up to a group get-together, will they stop being your friends?
Could other people recognize what failure means about you? Could they see you as a failure?
If you fail a test, will your friends see that it means you're stupid? Will they think you're less capable and worth having around?
If they believe this meaning, you might just end up alone.
If failure means you're incompetent, it means no one will hire you, and you might never amount to anything.
If you believe so, then loneliness would be a penalty for a failure, and a hefty one at that.
Does Fearing Failure Help?
Fear can help, but only for a couple minutes once a month at most.
It's a common misconception that fear is helpful when achieving tasks.
Using fear as motivation is like using your emergency-brakes to stop and slow rather than your typical brake pads - it will quickly wear them down and render them useless.
Fearing the consequences of failure evokes symptoms of anxiety, making it more strenuous and difficult to function in non-emergency scenarios.
If you fear being eaten by a bear, that's a good thing. It means your body will give you the hormones and strength you need to escape. However, this is a once-in-a-while solution to a very apparent problem.
Fearing failure defeats long-term endeavors.
Overuse of our emergency-survival system creates an immediate sense of exhaustion. If you depend on it everyday, your fatigue will affect your performances, making you more scared, and lead to even worse outcomes.
Anxiety does not fend off failure - it only makes it more inevitable in the long run.
The Dangers of Fearing Failure Everywhere
Fear of failure is infectious because it can be applied to any single thing you do, even down to the thoughts you have.
You can "fail" to think the "right" way or "fail" to feel the right emotions.
You can police your internal state - always ready to penalize yourself for doing something "wrong" because you believe it will keep you in line.
A fear of failure often leads to losing your purpose.
Imagine you struggle fall asleep because you fear a sleepless night - but why?
Because you might fail to sleep, which could make you tired and vulnerable to failure - if you fail, it could reinforce everything you feared could be true about yourself, which others could see and reject you for.
While this is what your thoughts may say, what's the real reason for sleep? To rest!
Sleep is for the purpose of getting comfortable, recovering, and feeling well rested for the next day.
If you have a similar fear of failure in your romantic relationships, you might unwillingly spend time with your partner because you "have to".
If you told your partner this motivation, it might upset them - they probably want you to be with them because you enjoy and love who they are.
If your purpose in a relationship is to "not fail" then you need to re-evaluate your priorities.
If loving relationships are a performance, and not an expression of love itself, then your fear of your own failure has become too important.
Fear of failure ultimately shifts life in an unhealthy direction - it strips the power of rewarding and pleasurable activities, meanwhile it keeps you alert for the catastrophes you could put in motion.
How To Take Away the Power of Failure
It's time to start living by what failure is, not what it means.
There's a history behind fear of failure, so it's important to find its origin in your own story.
To start, I at least encourage a few first steps.
1 - Discover what failure means to you
Failure depends on your perspective.
Take some time to explore your memories for when you feared failure.
Once you remember these situations, it's time to examine what was going on at the time.
2 - Explore the context of your fear of failure
When you feared failure, what was happening at the time?
How old were you? Who were you around? What was going on at the time?
Estimate, from your perspective, what would the consequences of failure have been at that time?
If you can find those consequences, you can discover how failure became as terrifying as it is.
3 - Redefine what failure means to you
Once recognize the time in your life when failure meant danger, now you can trust your present and its safety.
Based on your values and who you are, redefine what failure means.
Use all the wisdom you can to think of what the healthiest definition is for you.
Redefine it as the grounded and literal word that it truly is.
4 - Find a genuine purpose behind every action
Why live if not to avoid failure and all its consequences?
You get to decide what you value, what you do, and your purpose for performing.
If your work is not driven by failure, could you exercise your passion and find fulfillment?
If your relationship is not about being left or not, could it be about intimacy, trust, and affection?
If exercise were for health, if music were for expression, and if sleeping were for rest, how would life be different?
Final Thoughts
Fear of failure can be an all-encompassing game.
It consumes everything that's meant to make you feel good, especially when you fight for it.
If you no longer fear the word, nor expect the consequences it might have brought, then failure can recede back into the regular process of learning.
It can be a stepping stone towards fulfillment as you try to master what's meaningful to you.
You don't have to fear failure for what it used to mean.
